I can’t stress the value of this one weird tip enough. You will never be a successful writer and have your novel made into a movie or even better, a serialized HBO show, or sweeter yet, a Netflix series without a time machine. Let’s face facts, your life choices up until now have prevented you from being who you were meant to be, which is a name at the top of the best-seller list. It’s not your fault. Needing to eat and pay rent and have relationships often throws the best of us off course.
But not to worry! If you have a time machine, you can go back to that moment in high school when you shrugged off physics and history to do bottle tokes behind the gymnasium. If you’re really clever you can invent the internet and steal all the best-selling books from now and pawn them off as your own work in the past. Make sure to memorize the Harry Potter books so you can write them before J.K. Rowlings does.
10. Marry a physicist who works for CERN/Be a physicist who works at CERN. I can’t even work out a restaurant tab but I’m pretty sure they are accidentally making Time Tunnels inside the Large Hadron Collider. Take advantage of that shit! Run right in there with the latest Stephanie Meyer and pass it off as your own work wherever you land.
8. Pay Neil deGrasse Tyson to take you back in time to the Library of Alexandria on his Ship of Imagination. Steal all the scrolls. Travel back to your own time, translate the scrolls, publish them under your own name. Or sell them to the highest bidder and then write a “sci-fi” book about your time travel adventures.
7. Witchcraft. This is a little murky but I’m sure there’s a spell somewhere for casting yourself back in time. Just make sure you don’t end up in a place where you can get murdered for being witchy.
6. Radio waves from the future. Buy a radio. Find a radio frequency from the future. Get future you to dictate a best-selling book to past you then publish it under your own name, paradoxes be damned.
5. Be a mathematician. Write a screenplay. Sell it to Nacho Vigalondo who will make the most remarkable movie about time travel ever made that no one ever sees but at least gets your foot in the door in Hollywood.
4. Be a professor of something vague who knows how to make time machines then construct one in your conservatory. Invite all your science friends round for dinner. Have misadventures. Save the future from the past and vice versa. Then write The Time Machine before H.G. Wells does and you’ll have a classic best-seller forever. Don’t forget to option the crap out of that story as many times as possible.
3. Be a white guy, use your privilege to make some poor grad student build you a time machine. Black people can’t go back to any time before the 1980’s or even, if we’re honest, yesterday. Women shouldn’t bother with this one unless they’re going back in time just far enough to become BFF’s with Oprah.
2. Become a Companion Be really adorable in a crisis and the Doctor will take you through all space and time and all you have to do is get lost and kidnapped a lot but also run really fast, laugh at all his jokes, frown winsomely, and put a comforting hand on his arm each time he thinks of decimating an entire civilization.
1. Be a Time Lord (yes I know they’re fictional but so is time travel). Steal a TARDIS (Time and Relative Dimension in Space). Go to the future and steal books. Go to the past and steal scrolls. Pass all things off as your own. Go into space and sell yourself on galactic talk shows to the universal equivalent of whatever Oprah in space would be. Basically what this entire premise boils down to is this: plagiarize best-sellers and don’t get caught. Guaranteed success without the awful slogging of writing your own and working your way up the publishing food chain.