One Easy Secret to Becoming A Best-Selling Author

837363356952615747Build a time machine

I can’t stress the value of this one weird tip enough. You will never be a successful writer and have your novel made into a movie or even better, a serialized HBO show, or sweeter yet, a Netflix series without a time machine. Let’s face facts, your life choices up until now have prevented you from being who you were meant to be, which is a name at the top of the best-seller list. It’s not your fault. Needing to eat and pay rent and have relationships often throws the best of us off course.

But not to worry! If you have a time machine, you can go back to that moment in high school when you shrugged off physics and history to do bottle tokes behind the gymnasium. If you’re really clever you can invent the internet and steal all the best-selling books from now and pawn them off as your own work in the past. Make sure to memorize the Harry Potter books so you can write them before J.K. Rowlings does.

Pro-tips: Do not buy a hot tub or a soup up a DeLorean. There are only 6500 DeLoreans and none of them go back in time.

10. Marry a physicist who works for CERN/Be a physicist who works at CERN. I can’t even work out a restaurant tab but I’m pretty sure they are accidentally making Time Tunnels inside the Large Hadron Collider. Take advantage of that shit! Run right in there with the latest Stephanie Meyer and pass it off as your own work wherever you land.

9. Clone a physicist and then replace them at CERN. See above but with cloning. Also you can rip off The Boys From Brazil with this idea. Best-selling and made into movie, win win!

8. Pay Neil deGrasse Tyson to take you back in time to the Library of Alexandria on his Ship of Imagination. Steal all the scrolls. Travel back to your own time, translate the scrolls, publish them under your own name. Or sell them to the highest bidder and then write a “sci-fi” book about your time travel adventures.

7. Witchcraft. This is a little murky but I’m sure there’s a spell somewhere for casting yourself back in time. Just make sure you don’t end up in a place where you can get murdered for being witchy.

6. Radio waves from the future. Buy a radio. Find a radio frequency from the future. Get future you to dictate a best-selling book to past you then publish it under your own name, paradoxes be damned.

5. Be a mathematician. Write a screenplay. Sell it to Nacho Vigalondo who will make the most remarkable movie about time travel ever made that no one ever sees but at least gets your foot in the door in Hollywood. 

4. Be a professor of something vague who knows how to make time machines then construct one in your conservatory. Invite all your science friends round for dinner. Have misadventures. Save the future from the past and vice versa. Then write The Time Machine before H.G. Wells does and you’ll have a classic best-seller forever. Don’t forget to option the crap out of that story as many times as possible.

3. Be a white guy, use your privilege to make some poor grad student build you a time machine. Black people can’t go back to any time before the 1980’s or even, if we’re honest, yesterday. Women shouldn’t bother with this one unless they’re going back in time just far enough to become BFF’s with Oprah.

2. Become a Companion Be really adorable in a crisis and the Doctor will take you through all space and time and all you have to do is get lost and kidnapped a lot but also run really fast, laugh at all his jokes, frown winsomely, and put a comforting hand on his arm each time he thinks of decimating an entire civilization.

1. Be a Time Lord (yes I know they’re fictional but so is time travel). Steal a TARDIS (Time and Relative Dimension in Space). Go to the future and steal books. Go to the past and steal scrolls. Pass all things off as your own. Go into space and sell yourself on galactic talk shows to the universal equivalent of whatever Oprah in space would be. Basically what this entire premise boils down to is this: plagiarize best-sellers and don’t get caught. Guaranteed success without the awful slogging of writing your own and working your way up the publishing food chain.

REVIEW: The Uncertainty Principle


This is my very first book review and I feel naked posting this but love Julie Mannell and am so grateful to her for reading my work.

Originally posted on Matrix Magazine Online Supplement:

The Uncertainty Principle
by Roxanna Bennett
Tightrope Books (2014)

Read by Julie Mannell

Roxanna Bennett’s debut poetry collection The Uncertainty Principle is a solitary basket of trinkets and memory souvenirs exposed through solemn confession—inviting you to participate in its unrealized possibilities, the magnetic imagining of a mystical mind.

The confession and fantasy starts with a poem that pays homage to the father of confession, Leonard Cohen, but the voice is not Cohen’s; this is not Cohen’s longing. There are portraits of men and it is not difficult to perceive the voice behind the words sitting alone at a bar, looking at strangers, and constructing elaborate fables of potential romance, adventure, and some kind of actualization of the wholeness the voice so unabashedly yearns for.

While the poems possess both whimsy in their fantasy and frank bodily imagery of gorged aortas, fresh organs, and shocks of skin, it rests in the…

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Fleets of Nouns 2-3


Gorgeous work from Sina Queyras

Originally posted on NewPoetry:

Sina Queyras


White with my son flushed, white with my son in emerald; white with a streak
…..of melancholy my son,

White with horsetails, hoary, white with my daughter in crimson, white
…..thinking of azure, flight of stork

White expanse, white, white, with other white lines, fainter, a linen room with
…..crisp words folded neatly,

White with a smidgen of something assembled, white with white lines, not
…..lineated, not like the screen of a television,

White lines on a screen, white assemblage of pixels, white with a grey nod of
…..lineage, white with a column in the centre,

White lines with a scrawl of black just above the window, white with a scrawl
…..of black sperm exploding into a

Willing pocket of air, white with a wild stretch of grey whale, white with a
…..streak of green barely recognizable as Oleander,


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